In the book reviews and television series [Little Bird] reviewed in this issue, the common thread is the desire for one’s own information about yourself and your family members. This is something most people have and are able to take for granted, but those affected by adoption, foster care, or some form of donor conception (eggs and/or sperm) or surrogate pregnancy may not have all their relevant information, or it may not be accurate.

Sometimes, more often in the past, an adopted person may not be informed of their adoption until late childhood or even adulthood, or they may not be told the true or whole story. This may have been done out of a desire to “protect” the person, but the real result is lack of honesty and trust. In cases of adoption from another country, the adoptive parents may not have accurate information, or they have very little information. When a child is adopted through the foster-care system, he/she may have memories or even still have some contact with siblings, but may not know all their history. A parent who had the child in a previous marriage or relationship may change the child’s name, or a stepparent may adopt the child and the adults do not inform the child of their full identity, hoping for a closer bond with the adopting or step-parent. They may hope it makes school records simpler if everyone has the same last name.

Parents who relinquished a child in the past in closed adoptions were given little to no information about the adoptive home, let alone any ongoing information. If the relinquishment was not voluntary, they may not have had access to any information at all. For many young women, the relinquishment may have been legally voluntary, but under pressure from family, friends, and society in general, and they may have been told they would “forget” they gave birth to the child. No one forgets that!

Today, most mothers who voluntarily relinquish are given basic information, may meet the adoptive parent(s) and hope to have some continued contact. Ideally, both families respect and trust each other and act in the child’s best interests. Children can grow up with two families quite well. well. What they have difficulty sorting out is trying to figure out their own identity when they don’t have enough information or it is distorted, because at a deep level, they sense that the grown-ups are not being open and truthful. This does not mean a two-year-old needs to be told all the adult details, just as other parents don’t tell young children every detail. Lying is never helpful on the part of parents, however, and children know this.

Adoptive parents and birth parents have not always had access to accurate information, either. The birth mother may have been told her child would go to his/her adoptive family immediately, when, in fact, there were one or more foster placements before any adoption took place. She may have been told she was in danger of imprisonment if she ever tried to obtain any information, or she may have been promised continued information or contact, and then was never given any access at all. Sometimes adoptive parents agreed to an open or semi-open adoption and then moved out of state and broke off all contact. In New Mexico and some other states, open adoption agreements are legally enforceable, but in other states, they are not. Sometimes couples or individuals give an inaccurate picture of their own lives, in order to obtain a child, painting a rosy picture for the adoption agency or birth parent(s), and do not remain together. A birth father, especially in the past, may not even have known he fathered a child. Years later, if contacted, he may deny paternity, or want proof. If he knew, briefly, that the birth mother was pregnant, but had no further contact or information, he may be stunned and skeptical, or he may be excited. Wives of birth fathers may not have been told of any possible child. Birth mothers may have been told never to tell anyone, not even a husband, lest he reject her. They may be terrified when adult offspring contact them. Some spouses or partners are open and welcoming, but some are not.

This is why a trained and non-judgmental intermediary is often a good idea. When a birth mother or birth father searched in the past, they had to go through a legal system, or find information by sometimes devious means. The “system” was geared to keep them from obtaining information or access. Some states still insist on “good cause,” usually meaning medical emergencies or history. New Mexico, thanks to the early efforts of Sally File, does not have any such restrictions. Birth parents, adult adopted persons, or adoptive parents can initiate a search. New Mexico does not not yet have “open records,” not meaning anyone can search for just anyone, but those who are legally or biologically connected, can gain access through the confidential intermediary system.

Many states now allow access to records, or at least to one’s original birth certificate. Many in New Mexico would like to see this legal change. It would have to come through the State Legislature. A bill to introduce this change needs a State Senator or Representative to sponsor it, and it needs to be carefully written to allow access by adult adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. It does not mean a person would be forced to meet someone they do not wish to meet. Today, many people find family members through DNA testing or other internet means, and may or may not develop ongoing relationships with parents, offspring, siblings, cousins, or other biological relatives.

It is truly a human right to be able to search, to learn what one wants to know. It is also a human right to have privacy. Not everyone in the world is entitled to every detail of anyone else’s life. If a person does not want anything about them to be known (which is unrealistic today), they should not have a DNA test, or test through a company that gives them the option of not being listed for matches. However, they cannot prevent others, including relatives, from testing and discovering information. If people can find out their dog’s DNA, they can surely find out their own!