We sometimes assume that the general public—or at least the people we know—understand adoption as it is to day and was in the past. The truth is, unless one has a close adoption connection, most people do not really understand the current issues, preferred terms, nor the reasons for changing laws and customs about adoption in this culture. Many do not know that the birth certificates issued to adoptive parents and to adoptees, even when they become adults, are actually amended birth certificates, listing the adoptive parents as if they were the birth parents, with no mention of the actual birth parents. This is legal, and in most states, required. What would really be truthful, of course, would be to issue copies of the original birth certificate, with the birth parents’ names, or at least the mother’s name, and also issue certificates of adoption, with the adoptive parent(s) names. This would be honest and would respect all involved persons, birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adopted person.

Most people also assume that an adoption agency is licensed or authorized by the state, and that non-agency adoptions (possibly excluding adoptions through state foster systems), are not legal or are somehow suspect, a term known as “grey market” or even “black market.” In the past, some states had these laws and/or customs, although not in New Mexico, but such assumptions and terms are disrespectful of birth parents, individuals who have been adopted, and adoptive parents who did not go through an agency. Different states do still have different laws concerning adoption, relinquishment, access to legal records, and searching for birth family if the adoption was not already open. International adoptions may also involve different legal issues and laws, as well as different customs. For those without adoption connections, these facts may seem like unimportant details, but to adopted persons, adoptive parents, and birth parents, they are important issues, with a lot of feelings involved.

One of the most important issues—and least understood by many—is the use of terms that many in the adoption world find offensive. Society tends to laud adoptive parents and see them as heroes or as people to be pitied because they do not have biological children. The truth is, adoption always involves loss: for the adoptee being raised by other than biological parents and siblings; for birth parents, not being able to raise their child or children; for the adoptive parents, lack of biological connection to the adoptee. Adoption may be lauded as “dreams come true” for the adoptive parents, and in some promotional television messages, for the adopted person, but the truth is, for the birth parents, even in an open or semi-closed adoption, there is loss and trauma. In the past, this was compounded by the requirement of secrecy, not knowing or meeting the adoptive family, not being allowed to talk about their loss with family or friends, loss of any further connection with their child, and a feeling of being less than normal, respectable and honest themselves. This is on-going trauma. Ultimately, it can affect future relationships for birth parents, offspring, and birth grandparents or siblings of persons who relinquished children in the past. Being told by friends, clergy, or therapists that “this is just your mystery, and you should get over it or at least let it be in the past,” is not helpful at all, and reinforces the idea that birth parents and adopted persons are not normal or healthy. The opposite idea, that they are “no different at all” from non-adopted persons or from parents who did not relinquish, is also not true and not respectful.

Remarks such as “Why did your real mother not love you enough to keep you?” or “She gave you away” or “She abandoned you” or “Why did she put you up for adoption?” as if adoptees were auctioned off, or (addressed to adoptive parents) “Was the mother on drugs?” or, to a birth mother, “Do you have any idea who the father was?” as if the mother had sexual relations with persons she did even know. These are disrespectful and hurtful to all parents and to their children, and to adult adopted persons.

Adoptees are not hatched nor manufactured nor (except in rare instances) left on the corner or on someone’s porch. Birth parents are not criminals, mentally disturbed nor disabled to any greater extent than parents who get to raise their children. Adoptive parents are not child stealers, nor perfect parents or perfect people, and with rare exceptions, do not “collect” children to show how unbiased they are (Angelina Jolie and Mia Farrow being possible exceptions). Some have tried to keep children whose birth parents wanted them and had not legally relinquished them, including minors whose own parents signed away their daughters’ rights, even forging their names, but this is rare. Adoptees do not come with guarantees and neither do children born to biological parents who raise them. Parents also do not come with guarantees. There are some instances of adopted children being “re-homed” after their adoptive parents decide not to keep them. Adopting a child should not be compared to adopting a dog or cat from the animal shelter.

Other offensive terms are “put up for adoption,” “bought and paid for,” “gave away your child,” or “your mother gave you away and went on with her life and forgot all about you,” “your adoptive parents are your ‘real’ parents because they chose you and love you,” “to search for your birth parents would break your adoptive parents’ hearts, because they took you in and supported you and you should be grateful to them, not curious about the people who didn’t care and abandoned you.”

To be clear, Operation Identity does not promote nor disparage adoption. Our purpose is to support anyone affected by adoption, whether that person is an adoptee, a birth parent, adoptive parent, other relatives or friends of any of the foregoing. We do not conduct searches, but support and encourage those who are searching, wish to search, have searched, or have been found by biological family. In other words, we are here to support anyone affected by adoption.