There is a common assumption that one’s family consists of those people to whom one is genetically related, or those persons closely related to one’s spouse, such as sisters-in-law, or aunts and uncles by marriage. Those who have adopted sons or daughters would include them and their children as family, but probably not include adoptees’ birth parents, let alone birth parents’ parents or other offspring. After all, that disrupts the symmetry of a written family tree! There aren’t lines, or even common terms, for these relationships.

As for relinquished offspring, they are often not openly acknowledged, especially on a written (or website) family tree, and their existence may not even be known by any genetic relative other than the birth mother. Adopted offspring may be listed somewhere, but simply as if they were the adoptive parents’ genetic offspring. This happens even when the person in question was several years old at the time of adoption, and/or is a birth child to one parents and stepchild or adopted son or daughter of the other, who adopted them. This might seem harmless and often is well-intentioned, to show that the child (later, adult) is accepted and loved by the step- or adoptive parent. The problem is that the record becomes misleading and not truthful. Hiding or lying only creates confusion, not acceptance.

Families are often confusing to outsiders and even to their own members, because families are usually somewhat convoluted. Most families do not fit on a neat symmetrical chart. There are adopted persons, step-relatives, multiple marriages, single parents, divorces, deaths, and foster or other arrangements. This has been the case ever since humans began pairing off and sometimes leaving one relationship and subsequently finding a new partner. Probably it has been happening ever since humans became humans. Legal arrangements are quite recent in the long history of humanity. Customs of marriage and legal recognition of offspring and adoption help a society clarify relationships and have an important role in society, but they also limit acknowledgment of real relationships.

Some people object to terms such as stepson or -daughter, step-mother or -father, half-siblings, adoptive parents or grandparents, foster parents or children. Yet, these terms, as such, are neutral, simply clarifying connections. For instance, my stepsons and step-daughters are not my biological offspring, nor did I legally adopt any of them. Those are not comments on the quality of my relationships with them. How we address one another is also not indicative of the quality of our relationships. My stepsons and step-daughters have always called me by my first name, because they were not small children when I became their step-mother. In two cases, I later was not their legal step-mother, since their father and I had divorced, but they still regarded me as their step-mother, I recently found out. One of my biological sons and his wife are raising her niece as her legal guardians. She calls them “Mom” and “Dad” and calls my spouse and me “Grandpa” and “Grandma” and relates to the cousins with whom she lives as her siblings. These terms reflect her relationships, not anyone’s legal status.

Recently, I visited my step-daughter from my first marriage for the first time since she was 14 and I was 28. She is now 61, has five biological offspring, four stepchildren (all adults now) and numerous grandchildren, step-grandchildren, and even a great-grandchild. We had a wonderful and very healing visit, and our husbands—both named Johnson, but not related—met for the first time. We shared memories and both good and hard experiences of our lives. We both have far more insight and more connections with each other than when she was 14, trying to figure out her world, and I was 28, trying to raise two toddlers and trying to figure out how to raise three stepchildren in an unhealthy marriage. I never had any idea those kids had any good memories of those summers they spent with me, but it turns out they did. Two of her grandchildren were visiting when we came to her home in Idaho, one her biological grandson and one her youngest son’s adopted daughter, Sydney, who is nine years old. My step-daughter, Chris, said to her, “Sydney, remember I told you about the woman who is my step-mother? Well, here she is!” The child looked at me and said “What should I call you?” I said, “You can call me whatever you’d like—Barbara, Grandma Barbara...” She smiled and said, “I’m just going to call you Grandma!” To her, that was the relationship, and no need to focus on my being her adoptive grandmother’s former step-mother. For me, it was a joy and an honor to have more grandchildren.

As for my step-daughter, she and her full brother were adopted by a step-father when she was nearly 18 and her brother was 16. She says they never wanted to be adopted by him, did not want his name, and never liked him. Their mother died a few years ago, and they have had no further contact with this adoptive father. When their father (my first husband) died a few years ago, they both decided to take his last name back, legally, and are in the process now. She has her current husband’s last name, but she wants her original name and birth certificate returned to her, for genealogical purposes and for her own satisfaction. The name one goes by as an adult, in our country, is one’s own choice, regardless of heritage or legal relationships. In 1988, I chose to take my father’s middle name, which was the last name of my fourth great grandmother. I did not change it when I remarried. Most of my daughters-in-law kept their original names and most of my grandchildren have hyphenated last names. That seems to annoy their schools sometimes (the schools prefer just the fathers’ short last names), but those are their legal names, reflecting their connections to both parents.

In adoption, even the most open adoptions, the child’s last name does legally change. Sometimes, even a first or middle name changes. That is our custom. Yet, when that child is grown, perhaps he/she should be able to find a way to acknowledge, if they wish, their original name(s), without accusations of being disrespectful to any parent or subsequent spouse. One can change one’s name by just going by the chosen name, but a legal name change, through the court system, is not very expensive, and gives one a legal document for needed proof for Social Security, driver’s license, passport, and credit. In the U.S., most women change their last names when they marry, though not all do, and it is not a legal requirement. Some later begin using their original names again, or choose a completely different one. Men rarely change their last names, except related to adoption. Changing one’s name involves, to a greater or lesser degree, some change in self-identity. Some are glad to be rid of a name they did not like, while some feel they have lost or given up part of themselves. An adopted person may experience this if they are adopted after the age of knowing their birth name. Other adoptees experience some emotional shift when they are reunited with birth family or learn their original name and identity. It can be positive, upsetting, or some of both. Some reunited persons, or those who have searched for and found birth parents deceased, change their names to their birth names, or some portion of that identity.

Name changes and identity shifts are not frequently discussed or written about with regard to adoption, or even marriage or step-families. Yet, it would seem to be an important subject, since it involves a profound change in how an individual identifies him/herself and how they are addressed by others. Our names are not all of who we are as persons, but they are essential to how we think of ourselves. One does not become a different person upon changing names, but the change is deeper than merely a label. We hear, “She used to be So-and-So before she was married,” as if the original person no longer exists, or, conversely, “She goes by Such-and-Such now, but she’s really So-and-So.” In the past, women even lost their given names when they married, and became Mrs. Husband’s First Name, and His Last Name, as if she became some sort of grafted appendage to the husband. I remember obtaining note cards with “Mr. and Mrs. His Name” in 1967, and thinking that was great. I wouldn’t dream of it now. Young children who are adopted as pre-schoolers, when their self-identity is not yet well-formed, may be very puzzled by getting a new name and being told “You are now So-and-So,” and may wonder if they are now someone else, not their original self, or believe that the “other” child died. No one discusses these issues with them, and adults often do not see it as an issue. Adult adoptees have discussed this at O.I. meetings and I have had clients discuss it in sessions with me.

When my step-daughter and stepson decided to reclaim their original last name, and to re-identify me as their step-mother rather than “our father’s second wife,” they did so to reclaim how they saw themselves, to take control of their identities, which they felt had been changed against their will. To do so in their 50s and 60s was a big step, particularly because their adoption was largely for religious purposes. They both still practice that religion, but feel that their adoption was something of a sham. As they were reunited with their father for some years before his death, they regard him as their parent. That they have reclaimed me as step-parent, I regard as an honor. To have a child call me “gran” and not worry about legal or genetic relationships, is pure joy.

When a person, particularly an adult who was adopted, meets birth family for the first time, we call it a reunion, but it is frequently more of a “first union.” Some feel a deep connection immediately, even with a deceased parent, while some recognize some similarities, but do not feel connected right away. For some, it takes time and effort to build a real connection. For still others, that real feeling of connection may not ever be there. That is the chance we take when we search. Most of us feel it’s worth taking that chance, no matter what we find, because it also helps us to connect with ourselves.