The 39th Annual International Conference of the American Adoption Conference was held in Albuquerque, April 18-21, 2018, at the Downtown Hyatt Regency Hotel. This was a first for Albuquerque. Operation Identity hosted the last Regional AAC Conference in January 2000, held at the Uptown Sheraton in Albuquerque. AAC’s President, Amy Winn, lives in Santa Fe, and she chose Albuquerque for the International Conference this year, because it’s easier to fly into Albuquerque.

A big multi-day conference is a lot of work, and Amy did a great job. Several O.I. members attended the conference, including Amy Butel, Cathy Haight, Barbara Free, Jay Johnson, Morgan, and Randa Phillips from Santa Fe, and, of course, Amy Winn.

This year’s conference was somewhat smaller than conferences several years ago, when more people were just discovering they could search and find their birth families and relinquished offspring. Now some are searching on the Internet, and not as many local support groups are around, so fewer are aware of AAC and the advantages of being involved in both local groups and national organizations.

The topics at conferences now are less about discovering the right to search, and the possible emotional consequences of search and/or reunion, and more about DNA searches, searching for donor parents, the consequence of growing up in the foster system, and issues of open adoption. The smaller conference seemed to have some advantages in that first-time attendees might not feel as overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people, and the atmosphere was more relaxed.

The keynote presentations, rather than being held in a large lecture hall with all the chairs in long rows and the speaker up front, were held in the same room where attendees had just enjoyed a wonderful breakfast or a generous box lunch, and some were still enjoying those meals, with everyone seated at round tables, and the presenters were at the front of the room. This meant that people could feel at ease and focus on the presentation, move around a bit when needed, and led to more interaction with the presenters. Attendees also seemed to be more inclined to discuss issues with others at their tables, and to get acquainted with other attendees. The conference felt more intimate and personal, rather than formal.

For the “break-out” sessions, held in various rooms, there were generally three choices of topics, whereas in larger conferences, sometimes there have been five or six. The smaller number actually leads to presenters having more people attend their session, for which they have put a lot of time and effort into preparing. It’s very disappointing for a person to work hard at preparing their Workshop and then having only three people attend because a better-known person was speaking, or hot topic was being discussed elsewhere at the same time. The entire conference was recorded and recordings are available for purchase, but having three choices at a time instead of six or more seemed to work well.

The conference started off with an opening reception as people were registering, which helped get things off to a good start as people greeted others they knew from previous conferences or other connections, and new people got to meet others. Then the awards dinner, rather than being held the last night, was that first night, helping to create an atmosphere of inclusion, as attendees sat around the tables together. For those who live in Albuquerque and therefore were not staying at the hotel, this really helped. Having breakfast and lunch together the next three days also made more opportunities to get acquainted and share with others.

The keynote presentations included some speakers with many years of experience in the adoption world, including Sharon Kaplan Roszia, some who specialize in DNA testing but new to the particular issues of searching through DNA tests for family that has been lost through adoption or foster care, innovative therapists who work with traumatized kids, many of whom have experienced the foster care system, and persons experiencing different kinds of families. There was not as much emphasis on legislative changes to make adoption records more accessible. Although most states still do not give much access to adoption records by either adoptees, birth parents, or adoptive parents, achieving legislative changes is very expensive and time-consuming, and the movement, which AAC has always supported, seems to be having a more difficult time right now. Perhaps the demise of many local support groups, due to more Internet searching as well as a cultural decline in people joining all kinds of organizations and activities, has contributed to the lack of energy and resources for getting laws changed.

The several presentations and workshops on Internet searching and searching through DNA testing were varied and informative, and included some offers for discounts on testing by some companies. No doubt lots of attendees, even those who may have previously tested through one or more companies, decided to do additional testing, either to find genetic relatives or ethnicity, or possible health issues. The presentations about possibilities and pitfalls were really relevant and helpful to those considering testing or which companies to choose.

Next year, AAC will celebrate 40 years of existence, by having the International Conference in Washington, D.C., where the first one was held in 1979. Operation Identity has been part of AAC since the beginning, having joined as an organizational member shortly after O.I. began. Our founder, Sally File, attended early conferences and always supported the mission and efforts of AAC. If you’re not an AAC member, or attended any of their conferences, this is a great time to consider both.

Congratulations to Amy Winn and her committee on a wonderful conference, and many thanks for all their hard work!

The information I received at the AAC conference has been helpful for many aspects of my life, not only those connected with adoption. After three days, my brain was just full of ideas and stimulating knowledge. And I felt like I was surrounded by caring friends. I would be happy to share the hand-outs I received at the conference and more information about the presenters. My email: artbyhaight@aol.com.

The first keynote address by Sharon Kaplan Roszia set the tone. She is an expert in foster care and adoption; her 7 Core Issues in Adoption provide a path to education and healing. A CD of her presentation will be available in the O.I. library as soon as I have listened to it again!

After having DNA tests done a few years ago, I have tried to learn more about this complicated subject, which is not an exact science. Several workshops addressed DNA and were beneficial to me. The stories of successful searches were inspirational and I learned how various web sites can help find different information. DNA Quest is non-profit that helps with triad connections. DNApainter.com can be used to map your chromosomes still too complicated for me, but colorful. Libraries have subscriptions to some DNA sites; ask a reference librarian about free genealogical web sites.

A workshop about temperament was insightful. General innate temperament groupings include “Easy,” “Difficult/Spirited,” and “Slow-to-warm-up,” with many people having characteristics in more than one of the groups. Looking at nine identifiable traits can help in understanding human relationships of all kinds, and can help communications among the groups.

Neurobiology is a subject I knew little about. Electricity is used to help the brain learn new skills such as coping with anxiety and controlling heart rate. Staff from Calo, a residential treatment program in Missouri, explained how neurotherapy helps teens in their community. Animal-assisted therapy is also used there, including 45 golden retrievers, a rooster, and hedgehogs. A congenial four-legged companion from Calo joined us for this presentation.

Film director Sara Lamm spoke about her new documentary, “Thank You for Coming,” which tells about her journey upon learning at age 29 that she was conceived by a sperm donor. I missed the evening screening of the film, but the trailer was funny, poignant, and interesting to me. The trailer can be seen on YouTube and the film will be shown at the Los Angeles Film Festival this month.

Other workshops I attended include one about less-than-successful reunions (“Happiness Is a Choice”), adoption and addiction (powerful personal stories of gaining sobriety), and how foster and adoptive systems can be improved.

The last keynote was by Lakota elder Sandra Whitehawk. A compelling speaker, she spoke of using Truth, Healing, and Reconciliation (in that order) to heal adoption trauma in Indian country. The Sicangu Lakota Birth Parent Research Study by the University of Minnesota 2012-13 gives statistics that are generally lacking in adoption issues.

Thank you to those involved in the American Adoption Congress who put on this valuable conference.

I made plans to attend the recent National Adoption Conference held in Albuquerque, where I met lots of great folks and continued to learn more about the complexities of all the adoption issues. At the conference, I was able to share the continuation of my story. As many of you will recall, I learned at the age of 46, on a courtroom witness stand, that I was adopted at birth. This information turned my life inside out and upside down as this was the missing link of information regarding things which just never made sense to me when I was growing up.

This had been a tightly held secret by about 14 family members. The birth records were opened by the court because of this information. Sally File, the intermediary, was then able to locate my biological mother and I had a successful reunion. Upon meeting her, I instantly gained my identity since we looked so much alike. My mother told me she never looked for me because the day after I was born, she was told by the doctor that I was born dead. I got to know her for two and a half years, until she died at the early age of 68 from congestive heart failure, perhaps the result of smoking most of her life. She would never talk to me about who my biological father was. My half-brother told me, she had said she did not know.

For the next 18 years, I tried to think of possible ways to search for my biological father. Most were worse than looking for a needle in the haystack. Last November, when Ancestry.com lowered its holiday price to $59.00 for the DNA test I thought, why not at least find out what my heritage is. On January 5th of this year, I received the e-mail telling me the results were available. I paused before clicking the button, wondering what I would learn, and would it be life-changing. A surreal moment. I adventurously clicked the heritage button. To my surprise, it indicated I was 46% European Jewish. The rest had to be the makeup of my mother because I knew she was not Jewish. There was one link or match for a first cousin. So, I ventured to send a message, thinking maybe I would hear back in a week or more. Within 30 minutes I received a reply asking me for my mother’s birth date and maiden name. Interesting.

I responded with the requested information. In about another 10 minutes I received a message, “Probably just be a good idea for us to talk on the phone, this is my number.” About an hour later, I dialed the phone number with great anticipation. The person answering the phone was a lady. She told me that, from the information I gave her, her uncle was most likely my biological father. Unfortunately, he had died in 2013. There were three brothers: this person’s father (also deceased), my dad and one older brother, who was still living. So this person was my first cousin. She said she had talked to my dad’s youngest daughter already and her uncle, the oldest brother who would like to speak to me.

I missed a call from my dad’s brother, so I returned the call the next day. The first statement he made was, he thanked me for calling him and said he really wanted to talk to me because he knew my mother and called her by name. So, within 24 hours I learned who my biological father was. I now have two half-sisters and my dad’s wife, whom I have had good conversations. They tell me that my father had always said he really want to have a son. He had one, but just did not know it. He had gone out with my mother a couple of times, but suddenly found out she was only 15, so he did not see her anymore. He went on to college, got a degree in commerce and became an Air Force pilot, retiring as a major. It has been so helpful to hear about what kind of person he was. Kind, generous, outgoing and loving. I look forward to meeting up this summer with the new-found family members.

On Ancestry there are many other possible relations, 3rd or 4th cousins on my mother’s side. I have petitioned the courts to open her birth records, as she was also adopted and never did a search for her biological parents.

The 2018 AAC Conference was one of the best I’ve attended. It had been several years since I’d been part of an AAC Conference, although I attended several from 1999 to 2005. This was a somewhat smaller conference than I’d been to before, which seemed to reflect the changes in the adoption reform movement as well as the fact that people just don’t get out and join organizations much now. I felt more relaxed and at ease in a smaller conference, however, with more chances to really visit with others.

I missed seeing some folks I’d known at conferences in the past (some are deceased, some no longer active in the movement, some have gone in a different direction), but I also enjoyed seeing people I’ve known for twenty years, such as Marilyn Mendenhall Waugh, Amy Winn, and Sharon Kaplan Roszia. In the past, I was usually a presenter, so I had the pressure of preparing, presenting, and making sure I attended all sessions in order to get my continuing education credits. This time, being retired, I had no such pressures, and could just enjoy attending because I wanted to do so.

Many of the presentations and workshops were new topics, focusing on helping those growing up in foster care, on DNA searches and what that promises and doesn’t, and on healing from our own past trauma. There was not a lot of emphasis on getting laws changed to permit more access to adoption records. In the past, some sessions seemed to open old wounds for adoptees, with some outspoken blame of birth parents, and not a lot of immediate help for attendees whose feelings had just been brought to the surface. As a therapist, I’d found that disturbing, and I was glad to see a different atmosphere at this conference.

I also really appreciated the setting for keynotes, around tables while we finished eating. I missed some of the energy of past larger conferences, but overall really enjoyed this conference, and I was glad both my husband and I had signed up for the entire conference, not just for one or two days. I really want to thank Amy Winn and others for putting it all together, and I look forward to next year’s conference in Washington, D.C.

When Barbara Free asked me to write about my thoughts on the AAC Conference, images began flashing before me. I thought of all the dedication from the conference committee. Barbara Fee and Amy Butel get special kudos. They brought the AAC message to the community at large by old fashioned leg work. Amy hit her social media spots. The AAC was warmly welcomed by the Albuquerque community. I thank you so much for your support for this important conference.

But back to all those flashing images. There was the dedication of volunteers from the beginning right through the final breakfast as we all left for home the day after the conference ended. I’m seeing Nancy Feldman, Oregon AAC State Representative, behind the beautiful book table. Tom Dorgan, Chicago, the conference cochair, helping to get the registration table set up and all the books to Nancy ... at 6:30 every morning. It was so great to see Connie and Blake Stiles of Egami behind the AV equipment again. For folks with no connection to adoption, they “get us” and their sensitivity to the session recordings is evident.

If any of you saw a particular workshop on the program that you wished you could have attended, you still can! Blake and Connie have a complete list of all the workshops and keynotes, available on DVD or CD. The keynotes were also videotaped this year for the first time. You can buy individual workshop sessions or get a thumb drive for $100 for the entire conference, keynotes and workshops. Write to info@egamitapes.com to request an order form. And Blake and Connie donate a portion of every sale back to the AAC. Good folks. And they get us!

I’m back to remembering, and I’m seeing folks gathered around the tables in the ballroom, having a leisurely lunch as they listen to the keynote speaker of the day. I am remembering the smiles of “recognition” as fellow attendees discover their synchronicities, the inherent acceptance and understanding of other attendees. I wish I had a picture of AAC New Mexico State Representative, Diana Edwards, as she was deep in conversation with Sandy WhiteHawk, the keynote speaker who closed our conference and also brought the house down. That was obviously a conversation of kindred souls!

We had more evaluations in awe about Sandy’s talk than any other keynote, which is saying a huge thing because Sharon Kaplan Roszia and A.J. Crabill garnered rave reviews with their plainspoken wisdom. Scott and Jeanna and Princess Leah stole our hearts and connected our hearts and minds. Angie Bush was able to remind us that it’s a “small world after all,” thanks to DNA.

Back to Sandy. You could have heard a pin drop in the ballroom as she spoke of her forced captivity as a child, kidnapped from her reservation right in front of her uncles. Her forced captivity in a boarding house, with hundreds of other “rescued” Native children. A house like too many others where Native children we stored while their savageness was beaten out of them. Their language forbidden. Their families torn away. An adoption story horror movie.

These moments are, for me, the essence of an American Adoption Congress conference. There is connection and learning and sharing on a level that cannot be explained to someone “outside” our adoption lives. The pain is so deeply understood but the joy and acceptance are interwoven throughout our time together.

Here’s further proof of the energetic force of an AAC conference. Below are comments taken from the conference evaluations this year.

As a psychotherapist, an adoptee and the president of the AAC, I am beyond ecstatic when social workers and therapists attend our conferences and write evaluations like these. Fist pump! I am so proud of the AAC for doing the work it is doing, for being a part of the Healing Childhood Trauma campaign that is fighting for a new DSM V designation of “Developmental Trauma Disorder,” a designation that would provide the hundreds of thousands of families in this country with adoption-caused breakage to get insurance coverage for therapy.

I am proud of the AAC for advocating for educating for adoption competent therapists. I am proud of the AAC for its honest stand for open records for all adoptees. This recent conference, just as every conference for the past 39 years, has been tinged with the sadness of adoption angst. This angst is always trumped by the connections and the acceptance we all feel as we gather together to share our experience of adoption, as we learn from each other how to accept, forgive, grow and understand our experiences.

I do invite each of you to consider the cost of our adoption experiences. Balance that cost with the chance to be in a totally safe accepting space where you can let your hair down, be who you are to the core and be absolutely accepted as you are and want to be. That is what an AAC conference is worth. I would so love to see all you in the next year or so at an annual AAC conference. Come for the sheer pleasure of acceptance. And then get to hear some great speakers to boot!

Finally, enormous thanks to Amy and Barbara for your efforts on behalf of the AAC.